Talking to Mummy and Daddy

By Johnny Mehta

Everyone agrees that no matter how many academic achievement awards received, nothing has quite prepared any desi for the most consternating and gastro-intestinally painful subject we'll will ever confront:

Getting Married.

Indeed, the topic is so stomach-churning that it’s surprising that marketing execs at Gas-X or Pepto haven't placed a loud, blinking banner ad on Shaadi.com yet. The sales potential is enormous.

Until a suitable mate is found and an engagement ring and wedding date firmly in place, parents take us on guilt trips to hell and back on a weekly basis. Parents have this way of making us feel like the earth will spin out of orbit and fall into the sun, destroying the entire solar system in the process, unless we get married ASAP. We, on the other hand, are unsure, confused, and still trying to figure out who we are and whether marrying our Spanish girlfriend Melinda will irrevocably change the course of Indian history and culture altogether.

What makes it all the worse, however, is the apparent genetic predisposition towards inadequate (or entirely absent) communication skills among South Asians. When it comes to talking about something as contentious as marriage, desis’ and their parents’ communication skills approach those of your average non-human primate (yeah, like a Macaca actually), save for the throwing of poop at each other.     

Conversations (if they even occur) can take several forms. Occasionally, talking about marriage is more like a poker game where neither party wants to reveal the true nature of the cards they hold, as if a world championship was at stake:

Parent: “Beti, your father and I were discussing last night that now that you are a successful doctor, perhaps it’s time to think about marriage.”

Translation:  “We’ve been looking for a suitable husband for you for 6 months now. We contacted all of our relatives in India (plus Deepika Aunty in Jersey City who has matched many boys & girls) to start looking, not to mention the ad we’ve put in India Abroad, and the profiles we’ve placed on several matrimonial websites. Oh and you’ll be receiving a bio-data next week from San Diego”

Desi: “I’m not sure I’m ready for marriage”

Translation: “I’m dating a white, Jewish guy from Yonkers.”

Parent: “What do you think of his picture?”

Translation: “He’s male and he has a good job. So let’s set the wedding date.”

Desi: “I’m not sure we’re compatible”

Translation: “Where did you find him? The shire of the hobbits? Does he come with a booster chair?"

Even broaching the topic of marriage is a feat in most families. Most of the time, sentiments/concerns are only revealed in cryptic messages found in more mundane conversations:

Parent: “You didn’t eat much. You don’t like the parathas or the dal?”

Kid: “Mom, I’m full –I’m not hungry anymore”

Parent: “Just like before. You don’t like anything I suggest. What did I do? I only try to help you, to make your life happy. What will they say about this family?”

Kid: “MOM! I can’t eat any more. I had 5 parathas – who’s gonna care about how many parathas I ate?!”

Parent: “When you were 5, you ate everything I gave you. In fact, you used to eat and also go to the bathroom when I told you. Now, you and your friends, especially that Andrew boy who has no manners, they give you all these ideas and you stop listening to the people who really love you”

Kid: “Are you talking about food? I’m confused”

Kid’s little sister: “Mom, can I have another paratha?”

Parent: “See how she listens to me? She will marry a handsome Gujarati boy from Baroda – I am sure”.

 

There again, there are just some plain "lost in translation" moments:

Your parents say this	You respond with	What they hear
“Would you like us to look for you online?”	“Why do we have to talk about this right now?”	“ I need time to pick out my username for the site”
“What kind of boy are you looking for?”	“ Good-looking, smart and funny”	“Comes from a good family ”
“How tall?”	“ 5’9” or more”	“Comes from a good family ”
“This girl’s family is very , very nice”	“Great, but what about the girl?”	"My son likes the family so he must be ready to marry."
“Here’s her number. Why don’t you call her?”	“Mom! I don't want to call her ”	"My son wants ME to call her and arrange the wedding."
“She is from the same community as us back in India”	“Ok but that doesn’t matter to me”	“I am ignorant of our ways. Please make this decision for me.”
“You need to take this seriously”	“Leave me alone”	“ Come back in 10 minutes.”

Both sides are basically speaking different languages partly due to the fact in matters such as marriage, most of us default to our more basic survival behaviors i.e. we react like we would under stress. Which typically means that no one’s listening to each other. Indeed, marriage is tough. But talking about it with your parents is a lot tougher. Our advice –listen to your parents and just do the arranged marriage thing. It’s so much funnier. Plus think of all the stories you’ll get to send us….

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