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Why the U.S. Government Hates Indian People

by Rick Patel

The US government hates Indian people. It’s true and we can prove it.

We’re all too familiar now with the incident this past summer involving poor S.R. Sidarth, a Fairfax county Virginia native, who was mockingly referred to as “Macaca” by a Senator George Allen (R-VA).  It’s hard to say what’s more outrageous -  calling Sidarth a monkey, or welcoming a South Asian born and raised on Virginia soil to America. Allen sure does put the C in ABCD doesn’t he?

Rightly so, people everywhere have been outraged. It didn’t help that Allen’s apology arrived 2 weeks later. The Indian-American community has vociferously condemned the remarks and we wouldn’t be surprised if the Indian government even issues a “declaration” (similar to a fatwa except instead of killing the person, they email him a bunch of threatening spam). Or worse yet, they might “scold” him.

George Allen

George Allen (right) enjoys watermelon, calling Desis monkeys.

 

S.R. Sidarth: Not a monkey, just an ABCD with a great camera.

 

Clearly, this is just another incident of a “good ‘ol boy” showing his true roots right? Underneath that polished political veneer and Redskin football dad lurks an immigrant-hating, cowboy-boot-wearing, Confederate Republican bubba (junior to Bubba-Dub of course) who wants to be President. It’s just another incident of a grown-up, southern white frat boy bashing on towel-heads.

Or is it?

Now, before we start hurling the caca at the Republican Party, let's remember that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. And it isn’t always white male Republican senators calling us Curry-ous George.

For instance, how about that relatively overlooked incident involving Senator Joe Biden (D-Delaware)

who cheekily quipped to an ABCD that “you can’t go to any 7-11 or Dunkin’ Donuts in Delaware without hearing an Indian accent”?

Or what about that unprotected Left-hook (pun intended) two years ago from our beloved Mrs. Bubba Clinton, aka Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) - she didn’t gain any Karmic points when she commented that Mahatma Gandhi used to run a gas station in St. Louis. Now we all know he didn’t run a gas station in St.Louis but the fact that the senator was comfortable stereotyping the father of India alongside Apu from ‘The Simpsons’ was just plain ignorant. Plus EVERYBODY knows that St.Louis is just a bad test market for Squishees.

Neither we, nor any Indian uncle that’s just spent a half million putting their kid through the best Ivy League Med school appreciates this sort of bashing and pigeonholing. So what exactly did we do to deserve this bipartisan name-calling?

Perhaps the South Asian community isn’t doing a good job of assimilating and connecting with everyday Americans. But we doubt that. We don’t even speak like Gandhi anymore, especially when we’re trying to meet girls. Plus, we’re less non-violent now as we embrace the nuclear trend and enjoy our annual game of missile darts with our drinking buddy Pakistan. It’s all good.

On the other hand, maybe there’s something much more sinister at work here involving forces beyond our direct view. Perhaps it’s not so unreasonable to suggest that the snide comments, irreverent quips, Karl Marxian…er…Lou Dobbsian socialist diatribes about American jobs are part of a governent-run conspiracy threatening the very fabric of Indian-American society. Now that South Asia’s on the map, perhaps our government is just a little jealous about all of our good fortune.  

Think about it for a second. No one cared about Indian-Americans back in the 90s. No one knew about outsourcing and most Americans thought Bangalore sounded like a historic whorehouse. Once India and Indians became a vital 21st century global force to be reckoned with, America started tuning into Bollywood. And you know Bollywood movies-once you see the dancing and seventeen outfit changes per song, you just feel compelled to yell something, or swear.

Remember all the jokes about Japs and swarms of picture-taking tourists in the 80s or the backlash against Japanese purchasing of American companies and land? History repeats itself, friends. The government is trying to get everyone to blame India for its problems. That way, it doesn’t have to actually implement any new policies to help Americans keep their jobs. Blame the Indians – “They’re taking our jobs and companies and they’re …they’re ...monkeys... yeah!”

Think about what it probably took Senator Allen to insult young Sidarth. The night before he presumably grabbed his Webster’s dictionary and looked up a whole new word- and you know he was looking for something funny too. Calling the kid a monkey would have been straight up racist but calling him a word that has crap in the name is, well,  rather innovative and a little funny.

So how do we stop this wave of jealousy and hate before we find ourselves standing around exchanging beedies in an internment camp? You know the old saying – “when in rome…” Fellow Babus, pull up your chuni or Haggar slacks & chappals, whip out that blackberry and email your congressman. Demand he/she do something to right this wrong, preferably by making Senator Allen learn Lata’s greatest hits or sponsor another Aishwarya/Abhishek Bachan night at Nassau Coliseum. Fight fire with fire - throw innovative language back at these callous legislators, selecting your favorite funny animal name . We suggest:

 “doo-doo donkey”

“dungbeetle”

”Kink-ajoo”

“octo-pussy”

 “ coq-i frog”

Or our favourite...

“anusdog”

And we shouldn’t take this lying down. We must be true to who we are and pull out the big weapons of mass destruction:

No deodorant at work. For 7 days straight.

We've all smelled it before, and there’s been the occasional soul who didn’t live to describe it. We've got to get them where it hurts – their nasal passages. Or better yet we organize a roll-on free march onto the Capitol. Let’s scare these bastards out of their offices with some home-grown scents. K Street and Connecticut at 9a.m. Tuesday. And bring some bhel puri. We love that stuff and its good marching food...

Questions or comments? Click HERE to EMAIL RICK