Vegetarian Desi Vampire Prefers Strawberry Milk

By Tariq Khan

Conyers, GA:  Desis beware. This Halloween season might just bring out the “boo” in Babu. The first ever known citing of a desi vampire could mean that trick or treat may never be the same. Local resident Atul “Vladimir” Parekh is desi-land’s first –ever known vampire. He recently told this humble reporter that he’s been a practicing nosferatu, or member of the vampire occult for over eight years ever since he rented “Interview with a Vampire”, a 90s hit movie with Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Kristen Dunst, based on the Anne Rice novel. “I lowed it” gnarled Parekh in his thick Marathi accent, “especially how Lestat could not be killed even though they tried to burn him. He was like Amitabh in Sholay. It was so inspiring and I decided then that immortality is something I should check out.” Getting the appearance right was key at first so he invested in fake fangs and used his mom’s black sari as a cape. Over time, he saved up enough money from his dry-cleaning job to pay for dental surgery to replace his molars with fangs and plastic surgery to sharpen his bulbous nose.

Atul "Vladmir" Parekh says "Neem" toothpaste is the best for his fangs.

Parekh’s research into the dark arts has also brought him into contact with vampire organizations in the US and abroad but membership in the larger vampire community hasn’t brought him the happiness he’s desired. “See, they all want me to drink blood but being a vegetarian means I cannot really do that and other vampires don’t understand. Just recently we had a big tiff in the local vampire meeting over this issue when they did a toast with goat blood. I refused to keep the minutes for the meeting, I was so upset. It was my turn, you know. We rotate that responsibility weekly but I said no – respect, man... They won’t give it”. To compensate, Parekh drinks saffron-coloured water or strawberry milk.  All these changes haven’t gone unnoticed at work where he’s been asked to tone down his appearance to avoid scaring potential customers. Still, Parekh remains upbeat. “I mean that just makes feel even more like I did the right thing. Vampires are scary but people need to know that we are regular people like them. I mean I still shop for groceries and TiVo Stargate Atlantis like everybody else.” Meeting women however has been quite difficult for Parekh. “Desi chicks really don’t like vampires, you know. I mean they’re so spoiled by their parents and so they’re not open-minded especially when they see ‘Bram Stoker’ as my favorite author in my online profile. But, recently I heard there was this real hot valkyrie-looking gujarathi chick in Marietta so maybe I can get her number and we can share a red lassi or something” giggled Parekh.