In his continuing series on dating, marital woes, and other frightful topics on South Asian marriages, Johnny Mehta explores edating.

Why Matrimonial Website Don't Work: Part I

By Johnny Mehta

With the advent of the internet, the age-old Desi process of match-making was turned on its head. To the shock and horror of Desi parents across the globe, Desi kids could grab the matrimonial bull by the horns, and actually choose a potential match from a global pool of millions, on their own. Desi youngsters were suddenly empowered, while Desi parents became despondent that they lost control over the process. And websites like Shaadi.com, Indian dating, Bharat matrimonial, just to name a few, are milking them all for millions.

Now that Desi parents have been forced to hand over at least part of the matrimonials reigns to their kids, has it changed anything? Yes - our suspicion is that far fewer people are getting married these days. The first and foremost hurdle is putting together a profile that someone will actually look at, or even respond to.

Profile writing is a lost art that we doubt Desi kids will find any time soon. Somewhere there must be a desi matrimonial writing guide everyone’s using that states online profiles  MUST include the following key words and phrases:

Fun-loving
Mix of east/west
 
It’s as if your profile will be banned from the site if it doesn’t include these phrases.  

The other major problem is that women just don’t understand men and vice versa. This is especially notable if one looks at the profile header, that short, clever line aimed to lure people into your profile (e.g “Are you looking for something hot and spicy?”)

Women generally over-estimate how learned guys are and write erudite lines like (note – these are actual headers pulled from a Desi match-making site):

"He who comes to do good knocks at the gate; he who loves finds the gate open.” -Rabindranath Tagore

A guy reading this either a) won’t understand what the hell this means, b) won’t care or c) thinks it’s some kind of riddle, that if solved, will allow them to sleep with the person.

Women also reference music Desi guys don’t listen to, like Johhny Cash:

"Walk the Line"

T.V. shows they don’t watch:

"Ugly Betty, Indian Version"

Buddhist philosophical inquiries they simply won’t get:

"Am i looking for a man who doesn't exist?"

Or pithy statements that will be misunderstood,  like this one, which most guys will assume has something to do with a deep-sea fishing trip:
"To gain a view of the ocean, one must be brave enough to lose sight of the shore...."

The worst and least effective ones are those that are too long for the average guy to read (i.e. more than about 4 words) AND require more than 3 seconds to understand, like this one:

"I'm going to try to speak the words that my heart wants you to know I want you to see what you mean to me and why I love you so. No one can melt my heart like you do. Are you the one I’m looking for?"

The only thing a guy will be looking for after reading this is a beer and the next hot looking chick on the matrimonial site.

In light of these sophisticated female profile statements, it seems that women assume sophisticated men are using the same matrimonial website. Well, this just simply isn’t the case, especially if you consider the average Desi-guy profile header.

Desi guys on matrimonial sites aren’t very deep. No reading between the lines, effective use of irony and symbols, e.g.:

"am single...laid back...easy going and extremely bored at this point...i like good food and beer...looking for some good company..."

They may not even use conventional grammar:
Search no mo!..i'm here

Some use a numbers and letters approach pulled from a Prince album but that usually make little sense:

"1 LIFE - 2 Chill"
 
Other guys just keep it as dry and simple as possible, so that non-native English speakers or 5th graders can understand it, e.g:

"Jain Guy in Boston"

Sometimes, rather than writing something that’s intelligent and articulate, they just state that they are:

"Intelligent, successful and articulate"

Now, we wondered why anyone would explicitly state they’re articulate. Who’s not reasonably articulate? Well, that’s what we thought until we found this one:

"I like making a friends"

Still, others simply make little sense and are a bit unnerving:

"mirror cracking cool material"

Is this guy ugly, an engineer, or some sort of fossil extract?

See? Not very sophisticated - and women that keep this in mind when writing their profiles are more likely to get visits to their profiles. Consider the following profile headers written by women that I believe to be quite effective:

"I'm bringing sexy back..."

Guys’ visual systems are so sensitive to the word “sex”  they’ll notice it out of the corner of their eyes, even in the dark. This type line guarantees they’ll look at your profile (assuming your picture is reasonably hot)

Another smart move is referencing the Godfather e.g. :

"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli"

All men have seen the Godfather, and even if a dude doesn’t remember the reference, food and guns are still something they’ll still be interested in.

Referencing something you saw on a bumper sticker, like:

"Best not to take life too seriously... you'll never get out alive"

is also effective since bumper stickers are usually the most widely read pieces of literature by guys.

The bottom line to all Desi women planning to pay money for an online profile:  you must face the fact that the majority of the dudes on Desi matrimonial sites just aren’t as smart or well-read as you’d like them to be. And if they are, you’re probably going to find them too short or ugly.

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